My first attempt at blogging......and it is a pity party :)

I never thought I would be the type to do this, and it really isn't an attempt to receive glory or recognition from others....it is my desire to seek out my inner self and determine what has changed me and my life to the point I am at now. I always considered myself an overly friendly, out-going kind of person, but lately my inner grrrr has taken over. I see myself becoming something that I would not want to be around, so why would others want to be around that as well? Tonight I read a blog from a former roommate. It discussed his spiritual journey and it was so touching and I found tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know why that happened exactly, but it made me realize that I have become out of touch with myself. A couple years ago, some events happened in my life that made me bitter about setting goals and trusting others. I was stabbed in the back by someone I truly respected. Another friend threw me a lifeline and I started down a different career path with members of my church as my employers. These individuals were dishonest and I was forced to report some criminal activity on their part to the State of Arizona. Another issue was a young man I was a foster parent to stole my brand new vehicle and wrecked it, causing me tremendous financial difficulties. The fallout from these situations has set me back on my heels for the last three years. It has caused self doubt, loss of faith, and-I am afraid-loss of relationships. This week, I turn a year older. This has caused serious reflection and evaluation of my relationship with my family, my friends and most of all...my saviour. One of the constant thoughts in my head is that I somehow missed the boat, and it is too late to even fight for those things I once wanted..a wife, a family, etc. It seems that the older I become, the more comfortable it is to just be alone. I am not saying these things to ellicit sympathy-I just need perspective. Over the past several weeks I have become excited about FACEBOOK (lol). This wonderful website has allowed me to get back in touch with people who knew me when. I look at some of those old friends (who I am inviting a few of you to look at this) and feel pangs of jealousy and regret. Jealous that they are so happy and regret that I didnt seize the ring when (and if) I ever had the chance. I allowed my desire to have everything in order before putting myself out there and my overwhelming shyness (yes, I am very shy) to dictate the direction of my dreams. I am relatively happy, but I need more. I go to church and it is the most painful time of my week. I feel lonely and insecure in the place I always went to for strength and rejuvenation. It is the ultimate paradox. Well, it is way past my bedtime so I will write more later. Thanks for letting me vent.